Now that the Super Bowl is over and (as you can probably guess), I didn’t watch it I can share a secret with you. We’ve been friends a while now and I think it’s something you should know.
I have a secret love affair with sports movies.
I know, it doesn’t make any sense. I would rather… well, you’ve all played the would you rather game. You can end that sentence any way you want to and it’s something I would rather do than watch sports. Any sports. I don’t get them. They are beyond being Greek to me. I studied Greek a little and I sorta get that. Sports are more…. advanced quantum mechanics to me.
But here’s another little secret: Sports movies aren’t about sports. Any more than disaster movies (my other way more public love) are about disasters. In fact, they’re both about the same thing. Little guys overcoming long odds. Movies that always have the worst things happen in them have the best possibilities of a happy ending. It’s not super awesome if some messed up stuff didn’t happen along the way.
Think about the news. Wouldn’t you like to hear more stories of karma and hard work paying off for the right people? Well, that’s what sports movies are for. Most… hold on… come back. STOP THINKING ABOUT THE NEWS! That bottle isn’t gonna help you! Ok… welcome back. So, most sports movies seem to be based on true stories which is pretty great. I like to take the view that if we cared as much about other things in society as much as we cared about sports, we would be those super advanced plucky survivors of Interstellar in a heartbeat. And you know what made them survivors? FOURTH DIMENSIONAL BASEBALL made them survivors! That could be us!
You could argue that I could get the same euphoric optimism from learning to watch sports but I don’t see how that’s inspiring. No guarantees of a happy ending exist there but in a movie, all the ups and downs of broken hearts of a whole season of (sport) are condensed to an hour and a half where you get fifteen minutes of origin story, five minutes of training montage, 20 minutes of love interest, 25 minutes of moving through the brackets to the playoffs, twenty minutes of the big game and then a recap of where they are now.
All of this is my reeeeeally roundabout way to say I don’t do a lot of sports jokes.
If anyone out there has a neat idea for a sports joke they’d like to see, feel free to share it. I can’t promise to draw it, because I might not get it enough to draw it, but I’ll give it my scrappy underdog best. See you at the afterparty.
P.S. Sorry for all the yelling. Sports movies get me carried away.